October 16, 2023
Take a moment to bring yourself into the presence of this time for prayer.
It is Autumn in Canada.
The leaves are changing, like the years that pass by and bring changes into our lives.
In every rock and leaf are hidden the mysteries of life and of change that come.
So too with our years.
Loved ones move on, death, marriage, separation all come into each life.
New friends.
Old ones.
God remains the same.
I am fortunate to have had the same parish priest for a long time now.
I have been with Fr. Larry in the good times, the trying times, the seasons of plenty and the seasons of scarcity that our parish has faced.
He is the one who knows how hard things have always been for me financially, that the little I give financially is a sacrifice for me.
The years of study up to this year to get my Master's in Theology, Diploma in Spiritual Direction, designations in HR and Essential Oil Mixing and Aromatherapy Massage, become a Speaker for John Maxwell with doors closing at every turn to come up financially.
He is the pastor who encourages me to come back to church when I leave, numerous times, tired of the lack of support, of courage, of the politics, of the constant hardship since coming to Canada.
He is the one who notices my sickness, my tiredness, my joy.
The one I trust with my anger and grief.
The one who understands the injustice that I have faced when I turn to the Jesuits and there is no compassion for me or my mother and the politicians will not tell the truth about my integrity, my love, my education and my ability to earn well and do well.
He is the pastor that notices when I miss church and join in online.
In this season of the last years of my life, my frustration at the way my life has unfolded doing good and being re-payed with evil.
My lack of money.
My faith.
My tears at the stations of the cross and on Good Friday as I accompany Jesus on his death and then his rising to new life.
The one who has tried to do for me what others will not do.
Get me the respect, job and love I deserve, even if it has not worked out.
Helped me try to go back to England.
Helped the people I have brought to the parish find acceptance, new friends and opportunities for schooling and education for their children and families in the Catholic schools, in banks, with references I have given.
Been happy for me when the possibility to return to South Africa to study opened up, back to my roots, ancient memory of elephants and sunsets that take my breath away, the roaring of Vic Falls and the booze cruise, and then seen my hurt when it fell through with lack of finances, my heart break when I lost my only asset my home.
He has been the one who has celebrated my becoming a spiritual director and announced it through our newsletter in 2011.
Tried to help me get support from the Jesuits.
A beggar, begging for work, food, empty cupboards, and applying for jobs with my credentials and a decent wage.
Cleaning toilets.
Taking out garbage.
My life and skills wasted over years of hardship.
My health deteriorating as I fight for it.
Seen my love for Bono, for Tennis, for Canada, my award for my Canada 150 volunteering celebrated in our parish newsletter, and my love for Canada.
In this last season of my life, he prays with me for things to turn around for me financially, and with my Mother a heart cry to God for help and mercy.
The heart of the pastor that breaks at betrayal.
Together with Fr. Guenther, angered at the way I am treated.
Fr. Guenther telling me lay your hands on people as you leave the hospital, and say a prayer, you have a gift when I was at St. Michael's hospital volunteering.
Blessing my throat and praying for the harassment to end, that I get treated and spoken to with the respect deserved.
The heart which sees God's love in my tenderness.
The pastor who knows my love that was poured into banking and betrayed.
Telling me to pray to Arch Angel Michael.
The pastor who is quietly there watching over my faith journey.
Telling people which politicians and bankers say they like me, and how they treat me.
The pastor that I stay with on this journey of faith.
Ready to help where my skills are needed.
Changing as the years go.
My pastor has watched me do it on my own.
Praying for me, helping me get any work I could.
As I've walked the streets, networked, gone to Regis College and done everything I could alone.
Taken care of my Mum, stayed in touch with my brother and those who spoke well of me and know my worth, my ability to make good choices and that I am of sound mind and body, and kept my faith.
Fr. Larry has watched over me.
He knows which police are good and which are not.
He has been with me from the day I moved to this area in 2007.
On the journey home to God.
Light a candle if you would like to, open with the sign of the cross.
Take a moment to read the Psalm below.
Psalms, 23
1.The LORD is my shepherd; there is nothing I lack.
2.In green pastures you let me graze; to safe waters you lead me;
3.you restore my strength. You guide me along the right path for the sake of your name.
4.Even when I walk through a dark valley, I fear no harm for you are at my side; your rod and staff give me courage.
5.You set a table before me as my enemies watch; You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.
6.Only goodness and love will pursue me all the days of my life; I will dwell in the house of the LORD for years to come.
As you read the holy text a second time, notice what draws you in.
What emotion or values touch you in the text?
As you read it a third time, notice your body, what brings you peace in the text? Where do you feel tension as you read it prayerfully, knowing it is God's word given just for you and for all peoples.
When you are ready, close your prayer.
Blow out the candle if you have lit it.
End with the sign of the cross.
Written by me: Belinda Fernandez, Toronto, Canada.
Spiritual Director.
Personal photo taken last year.